WHILE you were watching the X Factor, Simon Cowell’s finishing school for music (literally, Dermot O’Leary, literally), Old Mr Anorak was in Nice judging Mr France, accompanied by Robbie Williams (in one picture he appears to be about to murder the drummer). All ladies represented a region of France, apart from an ex-pat from Essex called ‘Lorraine’.

Miss Normandie, Malika Menard, was elected Miss France 2010 in, er, 2009. Her victory was assured when she used the least amount of material for the gusset of her swimsuit and so fulfilled her dream of saving a polar bear. Look out for Miss Rhone Alpes doing an impression of Roger Whittaker whistling in Amsterdam.

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